2011...heart poised and soul balanced

Sometimes when I am reading, a sentence or a word jumps off the page and wiggles it's way into my conciousness. When it happens, I feel an adrenaline rush, and I know God is fixing to teach me something.
He draws me in...
I listen closer, I study, think about it, and let it become a part of me.

That is what happened to me this morning.
Casually reading and drinking my coffee....BAM!!!!!
There it was...
"You must learn heart poise and soul balance"
I read it again as it penetrated my heart...heart poise...soul balance.
Yes, yes I do need to learn that, ya know, I kinda thought I already had, but...no, I haven't.

I am like so many "Christians", I have heard "stuff" like that, and piously agreed to believe it is what I need to do, so I used the appropriate words to sound like I have it.
But, no, I don't think I do.

When I read it, I realized in a split second that I desired those things. God gives us the desires of our heart. First he places it there and then he provides a way to receive that desire. In less than a second I went from casually content to desperately seeking. I no longer was just okay with the way I think and act, I wanted better. His Spirit is the only one that can do that to me. I love it!!
Suddenly He pulls the curtain back and reveals a new gift. The only way to receive that gift is to go after it. It may take awhile, but I am going after it!

Heart poise...soul balance.

It is very clear to me that this will not happen as sudden as the revealation did. The moment of discovery was the easy part. What do I do now?

Hide.

Hide with Christ in God.

Where better to learn my own heart, my own soul...to hear my thoughts and compare them with His. My heart, the deepest, most innerpart of who I am, learning what to do with fear, love, courage, anger, joy, sorrow and hatred. All of which directly affect my heart. These are the pieces that are produced and float toward me when an event takes place in my world. Hidden there is where my soul, my inner flesh, the place where my emotions, thoughts, appetite and desires will find balance. I will draw from His strength and be able to influence the outcome by making productive choices. Learning to respond, not react.

Really, it is the only place that I can learn heart poise and soul balance.

The part of me that makes me...me, poised, at rest with Christ, and when that moment comes, I am prepared to move with His strength. My action, determined by my soul, will be balanced. Unhealthy emotion, thoughts, appetites or desires will rise up, and I will be able to discern the destruction they could cause and not allow it.

I envison myself on a secure raft, but floating in a large body of water. Enjoying life, God, family, friends. Then when this vascillating world tosses something in the water, good or destructive, pieces are released and head my way.
Sometimes, the pieces like anger, hatred, sorrow, and fear seem to be there in a flash, and my raft is tossed in that storm. The pieces of love, courage, and joy dance around me creating calm and serenity. But, at the moment they are released, I have a decision to make...

I have all too many times, held on to the raft, screaming at the waves. Taking in the destructive pieces, like I had the right to.

When my mother died, my raft was tossed like never before. Every destructive piece produced from watching her die, headed my way. Some have found their way into my faith, some found their way into my relationships, and some found their way into my writing.

I allowed it.

My heart was not poised, and my soul was unbalanced.
My raft was damaged and I took on water.
I have been bailing water with a spoon.
During these past 3 years, more events have caused waves, more pieces floated toward me, and more water has splashed into my raft.
Thankfully, love, joy (literally), and even a little courage has been produced from some beautiful events, and those have made that spoon into a bucket.

I believe for me, 2011 is a year for intense healing, growing and moving.
A year to no longer run from the reality of God...in the name of "religion", but embrace Who He is. A year to listen, and meditate, not to draw my own conclusions, but to absorb His.
A time to not take on what everyone else thinks is the appropriate way to worship, or not to worship, to go to church or not to go to church, to be this or be that....but...allow God to be who He tells us He is.
In 2011, I desire to become heart poised and soul balanced. To allow God to repair my raft, and enter a new kind of rest...one that I can't describe because I have not known it yet.

Why am I blogging this?

Passion

Habbakuk 2:2
(thanks for the reminder Joann)